I haven't written on here since June. In some ways I wonder why, but in other ways I know exactly why.
Sometimes its hard to be known.
Sometimes is hard to let people in when you feel like there is nothing special to see, or when you feel like what you see is not only un-special, but its also perhaps un-eventful, un-adventurous, and down right pitiful.
Not much has changed in our situation. But so much has changed.
We have a new family member. His name is Declan:) Declan Brady Swires was born on August 22nd in the Celebration Hospital at 3:17pm. He weighed 8lbs10oz!? And came into the world red-headed and healthy. Theres much to be told about my crazy encounter with God during my birth experience. I was intending once again on a natural birth, and ended up once again with an epidural, actually this time I had pain meds AND THEN an epidural, so I guess I had every drug I could have. HA. I heard in a teaching once about child birth, not to be a martyr. You're not there to be a martyr she said. And that line played over and over in my head as I was being induced hooked up to a butt load of machines and working hard to not have drugs. And then it hit me. I'm not enjoying this. Why can't I enjoy giving birth? Like have fun, be happy during labor, celebrate and feel like myself. I wanted to be Tabitha while in labor. And apparently at the time, that meant get the drugs! God showed me how to let go of control once again, and make a choice. A choice that might not be pleasing to a mid wife or doula, but a choice that was pleasing to me. A choice that granola moms across America might look down on, heck a choice that I would usually look down on (sad to say) but the choice that I made and don't regret. The Lord really spoke to me before having Declan and said "how dare you tell anyone their birth experience is wrong or not as beautiful because they do it a certain way" I was really convicted of that. Thinking that if birth wasn't natural it wasn't as good. I'm not proud of that thought process. But it was there. New life is always beautiful. No matter how it happens. No matter how something is birthed, its perfect, its precious, and holy, and God wanted it which makes it good.
Declan means full of goodness. Scott and I spent the majority of my labor in tears of laughter. Gods joy and goodness were definitely present. And even today as he is almost 3 months old, we've heard him laughing in his sleep on multiple occasions and he wakes up every morning around 5 am with a huge grin on his face. He smiles at us first thing in the morning. He is such a happy full of goodness boy and we cannot wait to get to know him more and fall more in love with this gift of Declan God has given us:)
In other news we are still in Florida:) But since September we've not been alone! Scotts parents moved in just in time for Scott to be working 6 nights a week leaving two very emotionally and physically EXHAUSTED parents in need of some parents of their own to love on them and help them when they need. I feel like we will never be able to repay Scotts parents for the love and generosity they have shown in not only opening up their home to us, their place of retirement none the less! but also for always being available to us in many ways and showing great selflessness and support in this crazy season. We know that great is their reward in heaven:) and we are immensely grateful that God placed us in their home and in some ways in their care in this season. They always talked about their ministry when they retire. Knowing ministry never ends and day dreaming about what kind of ministry God would give to them when they no longer ran a Salvation Army rehabilitation center. Well I truly believe that Scott and I and our kids, are a major part of their ministry right now. God is so smart. And as my husband always likes to say "He's the kindest person I know"
So we are still here, in the sunshine state. We had planned to move in January back to Fort Mill so Scott could attend Grad School at Morningstar and we could get back to where we feel called. But alas, that door has not opened yet. Scott is however taking online classes with MStar for his masters in Theology:) So theres that. Thanks God! We have no clue when and if we will move back to South Carolina. Well honestly, we are quite sure we will. But the when is the ify part. Could be next month, could be next year.
We should really officially stop trying to make plans with our life(but we won't). Things never turn out the way we plan. So we just are. We just exist, and breathe and try and love God and live in Him. Its not the easiest when finding yourself in a season where He doesn't seem to say much. But as we grow and mature, and our love grows and matures we can rest in Him in our unclear path more than ever before, and we can also rest in each other and lean on the deep strength produced in our marriage.
I think the hardest thing we face lately is not feeling called to anything.
Do you know what I mean?
Its like everyday I hear from people that LOVE what they are doing. LOVE their job. LOVE their vocation, their community, their days, their moments. They are exactly where they are supposed to be and doing exactly what they are meant to be doing.
Unfortunately we are not particularly in love with anything happening in our life right now, at least not in a vocational sense or a locational sense for that matter. But we know God has called us to more. And greater. And we will never loose hope. Everyone can tell us that this might be it. But we refuse to believe it. We know we were made for great things. And until we see them we will continue to press on and pursue God with all we possibly have in us. Its not much today, but He sees us anyway and He knew us before the foundation of the earth so surely, His plans and ways are higher and they will come to pass sooner or later:)
We are grateful.
We may not admit it to you most days. Don't hold that against us.
We are smart enough by now to be able to see and believe that God is producing something great in us in these years of struggling. Like I said, most days its hard to admit. But somewhere deep down inside of us, we can see ourselves on the other side of all of this. Operating fully in what we were created for. "Its gonna be wild, its gonna be great, its gonna be full of Him" Scott and I have massive dreams. And we will keep right on dreaming them until we see them all.
We have no fear in dreaming. Only fear in our dreams not coming true. Which is probably why God moved us to Florida and gave us a way to go to Disney whenever we want. He wanted us to hear those three magic words "DREAMS COME TRUE" shouted by the characters and of course our two year old daughter wherever we venture. God has a great sense of humor. Bringing us to the happiest place on earth where dreams come true in one of the lowest seasons of our life. We love you Father. We love who you are. Thank you for the dream.
Things you can say a quick prayer for, for us, right now:)
*A new job for Scott
*More time as a family
*A way for Tabitha to dance
*More time to invest and sow into community and fellowship at our church--sidenote:we love our church by the way Gods House Orlando. Unfortunately Scott can never join us because of his hours:(... and we do not love that.
We love you. Let us know how we can be praying for or helping you.
--the four of us :)